Getting angry

Writing letters to the ED was surprisingly hard. I found it really difficult to talk to the ED voice as something separate to me. It's my voice that I hear, so I assume that it is me that is choosing to eat or not eat, to exercise to fixate on weight or size, to try and control anxiety by focussing instead on food.

But as I tried to write, focussing first on the ED as a friend and the benefits it brought me, I found myself getting angry. Because this 'friend' wasn't such a good friend really. It fed me lies and deceived me. It caused me pain. By the time I got to writing to the ED as an enemy, I was furious. I've had years stolen from me. Friendships ruined. I've been isolated and am unhappy. The conclusion I drew: ED you have stolen my life.

The depth and intensity of emotion surprised me. I think it is mainly because I don't separate me from the ED. Instead I feel as if I am to blame - for the decisions and choices that I have made. Even when it doesn't feel like I can choose any differently at the moment, it is still me who initially made the choices that have lead me to where I am now. So am I angry at myself? Or is S right when she says that I need to separate the ED voice from me, and rediscover who I am and what I want?