Externalising the eating disorder

I saw a new therapist this week - S. So much more helpful than anyone else I've ever seen before. There is much in favour of someone who has suffered an E.D. themselves helping others. There are things that they just 'get'. For me the moment of connection came when S said 'part of the disorder is an ambivalence, a reluctance to getting better. It's not necessarily a matter of an unwillingness.'

She pointed out to me that I find it hard to externalise the eating disorder and seem to not be able to treat it as a mental illness, but feel that it is a part of me, a part of me that is a huge failure. My homework for this week is to write two letters. One to my eating disorder the friend, with all the reasons to continue as I am and one to my eating disorder the enemy, addressing all the things it has taken away from me.

It's like a pro/con list of recovery in a different form. Will let you know how I go.

breakfast

So tomorrow I am having a belated birthday breakfast with 3 friends. I am anxious about it, because it will be the first time I have eaten food before midday in over a month.

I know that eating breakfast is normal and good. I know that it is exactly what my GP has been encouraging me to do for the last 3 weeks. But already I am doing battle in my head, wondering how to restrict the rest of the day to make up for the failure that will be tomorrow morning.

It makes me sad that it takes so much effort.

My birthday itself was earlier in the week ... and was celebrated with a couple of skim lattes and dinner, which was rice with tomato and kidney beans that A made.

I had my legs waxed rather than eating lunch. That makes so much sense doesn't it?

Letters to friends

So, how do you tell your friends about what is going on? In the end, I decided email was the way to go for me.

Here is the letter I sent my dear friend D yesterday.

Hi D,

Hope you had a lovely weekend.

So, this is an email I'm sending because it's hard for me to talk
about, and having just spent a chunk of time with A this morning
she made me promise that I'd let you know what's really going on for
me in a bit more detail, because I need to start being more honest
with my friends so that I can be honest with myself and make some
progress.

I know we've talked in bits and pieces, and I kinda assume that you
have filled in some of the gaps ... But here goes.

I'm really struggling at the moment, and physically that is
manifesting itself through an eating disorder on top of the anxiety
and stress. I've struggled with this on and off for the last 17 years.
At the moment I am eating 1 meal a day, and losing weight slowly.
After so many years my metabolism is stuffed and my body is fighting
to not be underweight. Which I know is a good thing, but sometimes I
wish that it would match the mess I feel like on the inside and show
people how much I am hurting.

I guess if I've learnt anything in this time it is that it's not about
appearance- for me it is in some ways a way to manage anxiety by
controlling what I eat. But it takes on a life
of it's own and I've become contolled and scared to eat. I think for
years because I wasn't underweight I've thought it wasn't really a
problem- I wasn't really sick. And on top of that, it's not like I'd
been abused or had a really bad relationship with my mother or was
afraid to grow up, so I didn't fit the mold in my head of what someone
with an eating disorder looked like. Add to that the conviction that
as a Christian I couldn't be so selfish and shallow and where did that
leave me?

And it's like the eating disorder rears it's head when I am stressed and anxious
about other things and becomes the focus of my energy so I don't have
to deal with other things. So I can feel worthless and useless, but I
don't have to deal with that if I spend my energy thinking about
calories and fat and exercise instead.  Similarly with the stress of
feeling overwhelmed in the mth or by Greek or at church.

I'm not writing this because I need you to DO anything as such, but
because part of the power of this disease is in the secrecy. As one of
my good friends, I need to be honest with you about how broken I am.
And that the impact at the moment is to keep shutting
myself off from everyone and not do anything social at all. And I do
need some help in pulling myself out of that hole. Food
is scary at the moment, which makes any social event hard because they
always seem to be about food. But I know that I can't keep shutting
myself of from the world, so some help from you in that would be
really great!

I'm getting some professional help. My gp has been great. The new
psychologist not so much. I've stopped seeing her and am waiting to
see and Ed specialist to try and untangle what's going on in my head.

If you can keep praying, that would be great.  And if you've got
questions, ask. Telling you is much easier via email, but it makes
talking about it later easier too.

Wow- if you made it this far I'm impressed! Thanks for perservering!

Talk soon,