My story

Aged 16, competitive swimmer hits puberty, and the weight starts to pile on. A video taken from behind shows just how big my behind had become. A friend begins to struggle with Ana. I'd spend the day with her, eating the same as she did, but would come home hungry and eat, hating my lack of self control.

So at 17 I welcomed Mia into my life. But I was never really one to binge. To me, a binge was to eat what I 'shouldn't'. So if I'd decided not to eat a biscuit that day, but then gave in and eat one, I'd throw it up. I discovered that I even had the ability to throw up an apple. I never put my fingers down my throat - I could make myself 'feel' ill by listening to the voices in my head that said that I was hopeless and worthless.

In 17 years my weight has fluctuated 14kgs - but I've never been out of the 'healthy weight range' according to my BMI. At my highest weight I had a BMI of 24.8. At my lowest (and current weight) I have a BMI of 19.8.

It hasn't been a constant struggle. At about 22 I said goodbye to Mia. I could see that throwing up wasn't the best coping strategy in the world. In many ways I've never really been able to explain how I was able to get better ... so in subsequent relapses I haven't been able to look back on what worked before and re-utilize those skills.

But a common theme was that whenever I was in a new situation, I'd struggle and use disordered eating as a way to cope. A new job, starting to study again ... the same difficulties would re-surface. It's as if instead of dealing with what was going on and bothering me, I'd instead get all funny about what I was, or wasn't eating. Focussing on food and weight helped me to not worry about the other things that were going on.

But deep down, there was also an underlying theme ... a deep feeling of unworthiness. I don't really know where it came from (or is it comes from?). But I really don't like me. And being fat makes me feel worse. I want to be small, thin, to disappear into the background.

So fast-forward to now. I'm back to the lowest weight I've been since I was a teenager. But I'm still not thin, still not little and still feel horrible about me.

And there is a part of me that is saying just lose 4 more kgs so that you become 'officially' sick and can admit that there is a problem and get some help. Because right now I feel like I'm way too fat to have an eating disorder. And it's gone on too long.

Cos if I'm going to fail at life, then I can at least do it while being little.